Four-Letter Word

Ladies and gentlemen, it happened again! My silly heart got the better of my head and ended up broken. Falling in love is your favorite extreme sport too, right?  LOL!

Just over a month ago, I started talking to a gentlemen I met through a faith-based dating app. Now, for some context, my faith tradition is a bit like a small town. There are not many single young adults. This particular dating app was created to help connect single young adults with others around the country and world. This guy I met happens to live in Oregon. Funny thing is, I had gotten sick and tired of the dating dance before starting to talk to him and decided I was going to delete the app. Well, I hadn’t gotten around to deleting it yet when I received my first message from him. I looked at the notification and thought to myself, “What the heck? He could be fun to get to know.”

We started chatting and quickly became smitten with each other. Things were so easy! We were on the same page about everything! He was super funny and I felt safer than I had ever felt with a man before. Dreams of a life with him began to consume my thoughts and I planned out how we could build a life together.

We met for the first time Friday, July 12th in Seattle. I was there for a conference and he lived only three hours away. The anticipation leading up to that day was so intense I couldn’t sleep for weeks beforehand! I was impossibly hopeful, but also trying to keep a clear head about the realities of relationships and human beings in general. Last thing I wanted was to get consumed by fantastical dreams and crash once reality kicked in. Well, that’s pretty much what happened.

I knew something wasn’t right the second I met him. He was super nervous and his insecurities started to take center stage. While driving to our destination, my heart broke more and more as I experienced his road rage and crudeness. My dreams crumbled and I quickly realized I no longer wanted to be around him.

Things only got worse as I pulled away from him. I asked him to take me back to the conference and he became very pushy and needy. After dropping me off, I cried for a good six hours. I felt devastated that this guy I had started to fall for would be so different in person. We talked for five more days, and I hoped he would calm down and return to the charming, considerate, funny, confident man I had been getting to know 4-5 hours a day for nearly a month. Sadly, that never happened and we stopped talking 6 days ago. I am now working on using The Grief Recovery Method to recover from that enormous let down.

This next song is about how “falling in love” with someone can make you feel insane. I wrote this around eight years ago and find it relatable to what I am going through today. If you relate, please share your experience!  I hope you enjoy it!

Four-Letter Word

Contact Jennifer here if you are ready to recover from a recent heartbreak!

Hanging

I’m pretty sure you’ve had the pleasure of watching someone you love struggle. You may have even wanted to take the pain onto yourself so they wouldn’t have to hurt so much. It’s totally heartbreaking and a special kind of hell to be in a place like that.

About 7 years ago, I had the misfortune of watching my baby brother go through one of the hardest, darkest times of his life and struggle with suicidal ideations. I writhed in pain wishing I could take his pain away, terrified I might lose him. I think what hurt most was knowing that I understood why he felt the way he did. I could relate to his experience and had started to find a tangible hope and healing for my pain. I desperately wanted to share it with him and would have given anything to be able to reach him and convince him life was worth living.

Unfortunately, I lived in LA at the time and he in Las Vegas. When I did try to talk to him, he wasn’t able to express himself and certainly didn’t want to try. I was powerless to do anything more than pray. I felt that if he would just be willing to talk to me and listen, that I could comfort him and help him through like his big sister should. It tore me in two knowing that he didn’t feel like I had anything to offer him.

I wrote this next song “Hanging” to him during that time of our lives. Since I felt unable to express myself to him over the phone or in any other way, I told him how I felt through song lyrics and have since written music and turned it into a song. Gratefully, my brother found the help he needed and has made miraculous progress in his healing ever since. I am very proud of the man he is becoming and have been blessed to share treasured heart-to-hearts with him in the last few years. One day, I hope to share this song with him once I have recorded the music. Until then, I hope you enjoy my heartfelt words and find your voice in them!

If you or someone you know have been faced the the possibility of a suicide, or have lost a loved one to suicide, please contact me here and allow me to share with you the Grief Recovery program that saved my life!