This next song hits deep for me, and I hope it will resonate with you too. In Grief Recovery, we understand that losses of trust can be some of the most painful a person can experience, especially when the betrayer is someone who should have been there for us. Have you ever taken a risk and opened up to someone about some of your most painful losses, only to have them betray your trust and judge, attack, reject, or shame you?
In 2010, I recommitted to Christianity and began the hard work of recovering from my losses. I bravely opened up to the pastor and other senior church members, hoping they could help me work through the overwhelming pain I was experiencing. For the most part, they were very helpful! In 2012, I felt I had made great progress on my healing journey and decided to take a risk and apply to be a part of the Kenya missionary team. I believed my loss experiences and deep compassion could benefit the African kids we were going to serve. Well, the Kenya team leaders agreed with me, and I was welcomed with open arms! It felt like such a blessing to be given the opportunity to use my pain to serve others.
A few weeks later, I was on my church’s women’s retreat when one of the topics touched a deep, painful nerve in me. I had a very strong emotional reaction and shared my feelings with one of the senior leaders I had previously opened up to. Well, about a month later, that same woman and sat me down and told me they were taking me off the Kenya team. When I asked them why they were taking me off the team 6 weeks after being welcome on to it, they told me that they couldn’t have a reaction like I had experienced at the women’s retreat while in Kenya. To add insult to injury, I had just sent out all my fundraising letters two days prior! I was infuriated and humiliated! I couldn’t believe they would treat me and my very vulnerable, normal, and natural reaction to an enormous loss as though it was a liability and a threat. I left that church a year later.
Betrayal seems to hurt the most when it comes from people you admire and trust. Commonly, it is too painful to experience such consuming anger towards someone we deeply love, so to lessen the pain, we tell ourselves the betrayal must have been our fault or that we deserved it. Sadly, I had all the wrong information about grief and wouldn’t find Grief Recovery for another two years; so, I still held great shame around my pain and judged myself for expressing it. I shamed myself for not better “keeping it together” and was humiliated I didn’t better protect myself from being rejected and judged like I was. This is the song I wrote after all that transpired. I hope you can connect with it in your own way!