Let It All Go

Some of the greatest grief we can experience is that of watching our loved ones suffer, and this is a grief I am all too familiar with. From watching my family suffer with mental and physical health issues, to watching friends be treated poorly by their family, significant others, or bosses, I ultimately decided that no matter what path in life I took, I wanted to be able to help those I loved cope, recover, and heal from their hardships. There is not a much worse then of being powerless to help the ones you love while they suffer.

In 2007, I met one of my best girl friends, and she and I clicked almost immediately. We became very close, and as I learned more about her, my heart broke for the numerous devastating things she had experienced. When we met, she was living in a terribly dysfunctional situation, having to put up with tons of toxic environments and people in order to make ends meet, and coping with her heartbreaking reality the best way she knew how. It scared me to see her living the way she did, and I wanted nothing more than to help her find peace and happiness.

I wrote this next song about her over ten years ago, but strangely enough, it might as well have been written about myself! I, too, was in a difficult place emotionally and many years away from having healthy coping skills. “Let It All Go” was written to be her story, but ultimately, it has become our story. I really hope you enjoy it!

If you are ready to move forward from the losses and pain in your life, please contact me here to schedule a free class!

Seeking Scars

This next song hits deep for me, and I hope it will resonate with you too.  In Grief Recovery, we understand that losses of trust can be some of the most painful a person can experience, especially when the betrayer is someone who should have been there for us.  Have you ever taken a risk and opened up to someone about some of your most painful losses, only to have them betray your trust and judge, attack, reject, or shame you?

In 2010, I recommitted to Christianity and began the hard work of recovering from my losses.  I bravely opened up to the pastor and other senior church members, hoping they could help me work through the overwhelming pain I was experiencing.  For the most part, they were very helpful!  In 2012, I felt I had made great progress on my healing journey and decided to take a risk and apply to be a part of the Kenya missionary team.  I believed my loss experiences and deep compassion could benefit the African kids we were going to serve.  Well, the Kenya team leaders agreed with me, and I was welcomed with open arms!  It felt like such a blessing to be given the opportunity to use my pain to serve others.

A few weeks later, I was on my church’s women’s retreat when one of the topics touched a deep, painful nerve in me.  I had a very strong emotional reaction and shared my feelings with one of the senior leaders I had previously opened up to.  Well, about a month later, that same woman and sat me down and told me they were taking me off the Kenya team.  When I asked them why they were taking me off the team 6 weeks after being welcome on to it, they told me that they couldn’t have a reaction like I had experienced at the women’s retreat while in Kenya.  To add insult to injury, I had just sent out all my fundraising letters two days prior!  I was infuriated and humiliated!  I couldn’t believe they would treat me and my very vulnerable, normal, and natural reaction to an enormous loss as though it was a liability and a threat.  I left that church a year later.

Betrayal seems to hurt the most when it comes from people you admire and trust.  Commonly, it is too painful to experience such consuming anger towards someone we deeply love, so to lessen the pain, we tell ourselves the betrayal must have been our fault or that we deserved it.  Sadly, I had all the wrong information about grief and wouldn’t find Grief Recovery for another two years; so, I still held great shame around my pain and judged myself for expressing it.  I shamed myself for not better “keeping it together” and was humiliated I didn’t better protect myself from being rejected and judged like I was.  This is the song I wrote after all that transpired.  I hope you can connect with it in your own way!

Seeking Scars

Please share this with anyone who may like it.  I would also love to know how it connects with you! If you are ready to find healing and relief after a betrayal of trust, please contact me here!

Detox

Ladies and gentlemen, we are getting super real tonight!  After my car accident in 2008 and subsequent end of my engagement in 2009, I moved to Los Angeles in April 2010 to pursue my dream of being a rock singer at the Musicians Institute (MI).  I got to LA, started school, and quickly realized that I was a HOT MESS of grief, trauma, and addiction and that no one, including me, really took me seriously as a person or musician. 

My first term at MI was filled with me acting as “rockstar” as I could.  I was a whiskey-slamming, one-night-standing, coke head.  The partying and addiction got so bad that I ended up getting fantastically addicted to a narcissistic sociopath who used me, lied to me, talked crap about me to the girlfriend he told me he didn’t have–all the while sleeping and partying with me, and even went so far as to get me evicted from my apartment after I caught him in a lie and confronted him about it!  GEESH!!!  It hurts just typing that out!   

Sadly, I took him back after all this, and the fun doesn’t end there!  A few weeks before the end of my first term at MI, he badly sprained his ankle at a party.  I decided to stay with him and play Nurse Jenn for the final weeks of the term, trying to make sure he didn’t fail his classes and naively hoping to convince him I was worth his love and devotion.  When the term finally ended, I went away on a family vacation to Lake Tahoe and left him to cope alone.  Not-so-surprisingly, I never heard from him again.  

It was on this vacation I wrote this next song, “Detox”.  I was detoxing off cocaine and decided I was never going to touch it again, given all that had just happened with this guy.  He was the “mistake” that caused me to quit, and by the grace of God, I haven’t touched it since!  This song was turned into music and recorded with my first-ever band Anticoda in 2011.  To listen to the song in full, please check it out here: 

https://www.reverbnation.com/anticoda/song/6086792-detox

I am very proud of this song and really hope you enjoy it!

“Oohs”, “Aahs”, shares and comments welcome!