So, Goodnight.

Raise your hand if you’ve ever had a friend who won’t take “no” for an answer!  LOL!  How many of you are raising your hands?  xD

I met this particular friend around 8 years ago.  We were members of a support group that was very important to us.  When I first met her, I thought she was beautiful, confident, heartfelt, smart, and strong.

We started hanging out and got to know each other better.  I discovered she was aggressive, self-righteous, and domineering.  She did not like it when I would disagree with her or want to do something other than she did.

At first, I submitted and went along with her opinions and directions.  During this time of my life, I was terrified of conflict, intimidated by her aggression, and a legitimate doormat.

Eventually, I found spending time with her to no longer be enjoyable.  Unfortunately though, because we were a part of the same family-like support group, I felt like I needed to maintain a cordial relationship with her to feel safe.

As our relationship evolved, I stood up for myself more.  The more I said “no”, the more she fought me, and we eventually had a falling out.  We reconciled around a year later, but it was short-lived.

One day, she told me that we should go to the beach together that following weekend.  I declined because I was in school full-time had a lot of work to do.  She proceeded to tell me how unhealthy my life was, that I needed to make time for rest and relaxation, and that I should really go to the beach with her.  I continued to politely but firmly decline, and she responded by escalating her frustration and disapproval with greater criticism.

I quickly knew that I was done with her, once again, and told her to leave me alone.  Well, this was unacceptable to her so she felt the need to blow up my phone with anger and vitriol for the next 10-15 minutes.  I ignored her messages and blocked her number.  I knew I had made the right decision.  BYE FELICIA!

This next song I wrote about our second falling out.  It has been written into a snarky jazz standard that I think is pretty great.  I look forward to sharing it with you once it’s been recorded!  Please comment or share if you enjoy this and/or relate!


So Goodnight

If you are still hurting over painful friendships in your life, please click here to contact me for a free Grief Recovery session!

Four-Letter Word

Ladies and gentlemen, it happened again! My silly heart got the better of my head and ended up broken. Falling in love is your favorite extreme sport too, right?  LOL!

Just over a month ago, I started talking to a gentlemen I met through a faith-based dating app. Now, for some context, my faith tradition is a bit like a small town. There are not many single young adults. This particular dating app was created to help connect single young adults with others around the country and world. This guy I met happens to live in Oregon. Funny thing is, I had gotten sick and tired of the dating dance before starting to talk to him and decided I was going to delete the app. Well, I hadn’t gotten around to deleting it yet when I received my first message from him. I looked at the notification and thought to myself, “What the heck? He could be fun to get to know.”

We started chatting and quickly became smitten with each other. Things were so easy! We were on the same page about everything! He was super funny and I felt safer than I had ever felt with a man before. Dreams of a life with him began to consume my thoughts and I planned out how we could build a life together.

We met for the first time Friday, July 12th in Seattle. I was there for a conference and he lived only three hours away. The anticipation leading up to that day was so intense I couldn’t sleep for weeks beforehand! I was impossibly hopeful, but also trying to keep a clear head about the realities of relationships and human beings in general. Last thing I wanted was to get consumed by fantastical dreams and crash once reality kicked in. Well, that’s pretty much what happened.

I knew something wasn’t right the second I met him. He was super nervous and his insecurities started to take center stage. While driving to our destination, my heart broke more and more as I experienced his road rage and crudeness. My dreams crumbled and I quickly realized I no longer wanted to be around him.

Things only got worse as I pulled away from him. I asked him to take me back to the conference and he became very pushy and needy. After dropping me off, I cried for a good six hours. I felt devastated that this guy I had started to fall for would be so different in person. We talked for five more days, and I hoped he would calm down and return to the charming, considerate, funny, confident man I had been getting to know 4-5 hours a day for nearly a month. Sadly, that never happened and we stopped talking 6 days ago. I am now working on using The Grief Recovery Method to recover from that enormous let down.

This next song is about how “falling in love” with someone can make you feel insane. I wrote this around eight years ago and find it relatable to what I am going through today. If you relate, please share your experience!  I hope you enjoy it!

Four-Letter Word

Contact Jennifer here if you are ready to recover from a recent heartbreak!

Hanging

I’m pretty sure you’ve had the pleasure of watching someone you love struggle. You may have even wanted to take the pain onto yourself so they wouldn’t have to hurt so much. It’s totally heartbreaking and a special kind of hell to be in a place like that.

About 7 years ago, I had the misfortune of watching my baby brother go through one of the hardest, darkest times of his life and struggle with suicidal ideations. I writhed in pain wishing I could take his pain away, terrified I might lose him. I think what hurt most was knowing that I understood why he felt the way he did. I could relate to his experience and had started to find a tangible hope and healing for my pain. I desperately wanted to share it with him and would have given anything to be able to reach him and convince him life was worth living.

Unfortunately, I lived in LA at the time and he in Las Vegas. When I did try to talk to him, he wasn’t able to express himself and certainly didn’t want to try. I was powerless to do anything more than pray. I felt that if he would just be willing to talk to me and listen, that I could comfort him and help him through like his big sister should. It tore me in two knowing that he didn’t feel like I had anything to offer him.

I wrote this next song “Hanging” to him during that time of our lives. Since I felt unable to express myself to him over the phone or in any other way, I told him how I felt through song lyrics and have since written music and turned it into a song. Gratefully, my brother found the help he needed and has made miraculous progress in his healing ever since. I am very proud of the man he is becoming and have been blessed to share treasured heart-to-hearts with him in the last few years. One day, I hope to share this song with him once I have recorded the music. Until then, I hope you enjoy my heartfelt words and find your voice in them!

If you or someone you know have been faced the the possibility of a suicide, or have lost a loved one to suicide, please contact me here and allow me to share with you the Grief Recovery program that saved my life!

Liquid Memories

One of the hardest things to cope with after a loss is a sense of powerlessness over changing our circumstances.  I don’t know about you, but feeling powerless to change what I don’t like is one of my least favorite human experiences!  The emotion found within this powerlessness is fear.  This fear can be crippling, overwhelming, and make it difficult to carry out our day-to-day activities.  Enough fear will send our bodies into fight-or-flight mode, meaning our endocrine systems and adrenal glands are working overtime to protect us from harm, ultimately locking us in a roller-coaster of feeling hyper-stimulated one minute and then experiencing an exhausting adrenaline crash the next.  Fear can be a very powerful emotion!

Now, if you have had numerous big changes or losses happen within a short period of time like I have, there’s a good chance your mind was flooded with what felt like endless thoughts, questions, and fears.  During this challenging time, you may have wished you could have taken all the painful memories and noise out of your head and stored them somewhere else to be dealt with later.  I know I definitely did!  My thoughts and memories manifested in nightmares and made it nearly impossible to focus on anything during the day.  I wrote this next song “Liquid Memories” about these periods of my life.  I couldn’t help but feel like an overheated computer trying to process too much information!  I really hope you like it!

Liquid Memories

If you are feeling like an overworked, overheated computer trying to process too much information, please call (702) 845-9254 and schedule a complimentary Grief Recovery session with me!  You have nothing to lose but the noise in your head and pain in your heart.  Grief Recovery WORKS and has helped over half a million people find happiness and relief after a significant emotional loss.  It WILL work for you too!  You are not too complicated to be helped!


❤ ❤ ❤ Jennifer ❤ ❤ ❤

Let It All Go

Some of the greatest grief we can experience is that of watching our loved ones suffer, and this is a grief I am all too familiar with. From watching my family suffer with mental and physical health issues, to watching friends be treated poorly by their family, significant others, or bosses, I ultimately decided that no matter what path in life I took, I wanted to be able to help those I loved cope, recover, and heal from their hardships. There is not a much worse then of being powerless to help the ones you love while they suffer.

In 2007, I met one of my best girl friends, and she and I clicked almost immediately. We became very close, and as I learned more about her, my heart broke for the numerous devastating things she had experienced. When we met, she was living in a terribly dysfunctional situation, having to put up with tons of toxic environments and people in order to make ends meet, and coping with her heartbreaking reality the best way she knew how. It scared me to see her living the way she did, and I wanted nothing more than to help her find peace and happiness.

I wrote this next song about her over ten years ago, but strangely enough, it might as well have been written about myself! I, too, was in a difficult place emotionally and many years away from having healthy coping skills. “Let It All Go” was written to be her story, but ultimately, it has become our story. I really hope you enjoy it!

If you are ready to move forward from the losses and pain in your life, please contact me here to schedule a free class!

Seeking Scars

This next song hits deep for me, and I hope it will resonate with you too.  In Grief Recovery, we understand that losses of trust can be some of the most painful a person can experience, especially when the betrayer is someone who should have been there for us.  Have you ever taken a risk and opened up to someone about some of your most painful losses, only to have them betray your trust and judge, attack, reject, or shame you?

In 2010, I recommitted to Christianity and began the hard work of recovering from my losses.  I bravely opened up to the pastor and other senior church members, hoping they could help me work through the overwhelming pain I was experiencing.  For the most part, they were very helpful!  In 2012, I felt I had made great progress on my healing journey and decided to take a risk and apply to be a part of the Kenya missionary team.  I believed my loss experiences and deep compassion could benefit the African kids we were going to serve.  Well, the Kenya team leaders agreed with me, and I was welcomed with open arms!  It felt like such a blessing to be given the opportunity to use my pain to serve others.

A few weeks later, I was on my church’s women’s retreat when one of the topics touched a deep, painful nerve in me.  I had a very strong emotional reaction and shared my feelings with one of the senior leaders I had previously opened up to.  Well, about a month later, that same woman and sat me down and told me they were taking me off the Kenya team.  When I asked them why they were taking me off the team 6 weeks after being welcome on to it, they told me that they couldn’t have a reaction like I had experienced at the women’s retreat while in Kenya.  To add insult to injury, I had just sent out all my fundraising letters two days prior!  I was infuriated and humiliated!  I couldn’t believe they would treat me and my very vulnerable, normal, and natural reaction to an enormous loss as though it was a liability and a threat.  I left that church a year later.

Betrayal seems to hurt the most when it comes from people you admire and trust.  Commonly, it is too painful to experience such consuming anger towards someone we deeply love, so to lessen the pain, we tell ourselves the betrayal must have been our fault or that we deserved it.  Sadly, I had all the wrong information about grief and wouldn’t find Grief Recovery for another two years; so, I still held great shame around my pain and judged myself for expressing it.  I shamed myself for not better “keeping it together” and was humiliated I didn’t better protect myself from being rejected and judged like I was.  This is the song I wrote after all that transpired.  I hope you can connect with it in your own way!

Seeking Scars

Please share this with anyone who may like it.  I would also love to know how it connects with you! If you are ready to find healing and relief after a betrayal of trust, please contact me here!

Detox

Ladies and gentlemen, we are getting super real tonight!  After my car accident in 2008 and subsequent end of my engagement in 2009, I moved to Los Angeles in April 2010 to pursue my dream of being a rock singer at the Musicians Institute (MI).  I got to LA, started school, and quickly realized that I was a HOT MESS of grief, trauma, and addiction and that no one, including me, really took me seriously as a person or musician. 

My first term at MI was filled with me acting as “rockstar” as I could.  I was a whiskey-slamming, one-night-standing, coke head.  The partying and addiction got so bad that I ended up getting fantastically addicted to a narcissistic sociopath who used me, lied to me, talked crap about me to the girlfriend he told me he didn’t have–all the while sleeping and partying with me, and even went so far as to get me evicted from my apartment after I caught him in a lie and confronted him about it!  GEESH!!!  It hurts just typing that out!   

Sadly, I took him back after all this, and the fun doesn’t end there!  A few weeks before the end of my first term at MI, he badly sprained his ankle at a party.  I decided to stay with him and play Nurse Jenn for the final weeks of the term, trying to make sure he didn’t fail his classes and naively hoping to convince him I was worth his love and devotion.  When the term finally ended, I went away on a family vacation to Lake Tahoe and left him to cope alone.  Not-so-surprisingly, I never heard from him again.  

It was on this vacation I wrote this next song, “Detox”.  I was detoxing off cocaine and decided I was never going to touch it again, given all that had just happened with this guy.  He was the “mistake” that caused me to quit, and by the grace of God, I haven’t touched it since!  This song was turned into music and recorded with my first-ever band Anticoda in 2011.  To listen to the song in full, please check it out here: 

https://www.reverbnation.com/anticoda/song/6086792-detox

I am very proud of this song and really hope you enjoy it!

“Oohs”, “Aahs”, shares and comments welcome!