Went to get in my car this morning, when I realized…BAM! I locked my keys in my apartment. 😱😩
It has been an emotional few days. Little things here and there have triggered old feelings and memories. Now, this seems likes it wouldn’t be anything out of the ordinary for daily life, but when a lot of little things trigger strong emotions in me, I tend to get flooded, and then I lose focus during the present moment.
How can I best describe this “flooded” experience? I think I finally explained it best to my boyfriend last night. Each little trigger I experience produces conflicting feelings in me. I drove past an ex-boyfriend’s house a couple days ago while I was working, and immediately felt a flood of conflicting emotions–or what we in the Grief Recovery world like to call grief! That, in and of itself, took some effort to try to sort through. I was angry, I was sad, and there were definitely feelings of fondness that arose too.
On top of that, a friend asked me to reach out to someone who was really hurting and considering doing something drastic and permanent. I was immediately full of compassion and wanted to help, but felt very conflicted. Should I reach out and try to help? The person didn’t even know me. I was very familiar with their situation, for I had gone through something similar myself. I was really hoping they would be open to my offer of compassion and care. As of now, I still have not heard back from this person. I am scared, angry, sad, and feel a bit humiliated. It’s hard to put yourself out there to help someone, and then feel like they don’t want what you’re offering. It’s especially hard when you believe that you could save them a great deal of heartache if they were only open to hearing you out. Unfortunately, I have no control over their decisions, only my actions and reactions.
A few other things happened that triggered emotional reactions in me. Altogether, I became “flooded” when I had numerous triggers occurring with conflicting emotions for each one. I lost my focus in the present moment because all my emotions were blending together. Too many conflicting emotions from too many significant events were happening at the same time, and I was really struggling to figure out which emotion properly belonged to each trigger. This is the best way I can describe what my “flooded” experiences are like. I find myself yawning uncontrollably when this happens. 😂😩
I feel incredibly fortunate though, to have the clarity of knowing exactly what is going on in my mind and my heart when I get “flooded” like this. I feel even more fortunate to have the tools to help me properly find and express these unsaid things that are filling my head and heart with conflicting emotions (unresolved grief). I am not perfect, but everyday I get better and better at sorting through and completing each trigger when it happens.
Have you ever found yourself standing in front of the fridge, forgetting why you were there? Ever found yourself misplacing everyday important things?
Unresolved grief, or undelivered communications of an emotional nature, can cause us to lose present-moment focus. It’s hard for our minds and bodies to be connected in the moment when our minds are off remembering the past or worrying about the future.
Week 3 of Grief Recovery happened last night. The discussions were so honest and potent. I’m so proud of everyone taking my class. It is not easy work for them, nor me. Sometimes things they say and do, trigger emotions in me, and I really want to be as present as possible for them. They are applying themselves fully to each task, sharing truthfully from their hearts, and listening to each other with dignity and respect. My heart wants nothing more than to help them get the most out of the work they are doing. I really want to be able to fully listen and understand what their hearts are saying, and I want them to trust that I will lead them safely to healing and completion. When I get flooded, like I have been the last few days, I get scared that I won’t be able to give them that present and focused leader they need and hope for. I guess I need to be better at laughing at my own humanity, and more accepting of the truth that I too have more work to do.
I can’t wait to see what future weeks of our Grief Recovery classes will bring and produce…but to start, I should really get my keys back first! 😂